From the Investor Relations Dept
In an effort to uphold the contractual obligations between the network and the media personality Clairvoyant Country Mouse, The Paranormal Channel is issuing 1,503,431.77 Class A common shares with an initial value of $20 per share.
The network must raise capital to maintain Country Mouse's regularly scheduled daily program and prevent her from being lured to another media outlet. Also, the network is under obligation to fund pending lawsuits in which she is involved. These include her suits against the Moonpower Spiritual Lesbians (and the ghosts who support them), Orange County Pride, The Acme Yarn Company (she has developed a rash from the sweater she knitted with their product), The Wig-Out America Company, The State of New York and The Sovergein Nation of Canada (this suit has nothing to do with the kidnaping ordeal. She has predicted that Canada will commit an infraction against her in the near future).
The station will also be providing financial support for suits against her: The Orange Pride Dykes, The Chinese Fortune Writers Union, Madelene's ducks, Bleu Dog's "I Need Some New Equipment for the Band Fund", and Sullivan County's Meterological Center.
Please contact investor relations with your inquiries.