To Come Out or Not to Come Out?
"You never talk about your dates? Are you dating anyone?" My friend asks over dinner Saturday.
I look at her while taking a bite out of my filet of sole.
"Well, we've known each other - I mean I feel I can ask you that." She doesn't want to seem intrusive.
"I've been going on dates lately. But I'm not dating anyone, per se". Okay I gave a Bill Clinton answer. I didn't lie, but I didn't tell the whole truth either. I'm gay. Laura is not just a friend. She's also a co-worker who outranks me. So I haven't told her.
I have no one but myself to blame for this. I NEVER should have admitted to going on a couple of dates with a guy she recently went out with. But I couldn't help it. A few of weeks ago Laura was telling me what she doesn't like about this guy. I couldn't help laughing. She knew that I knew him. He used to work at our company. I had to explain why I was laughing. I completely related to her criticisms.
Back to our dinner. I felt that I dodged the bullet. She went on to tell me about a business dinner during which she got invited to a party in Boston.
"Do you have a height range for guys you'll date?" Laura asked.
Oh, I guess I'm not off the hot seat yet. "Nah, no height range for guys."
I could feel blood rushing to my checks. Thank God the restaurant was dark so she couldn't see me blushing like an idiot. I was so close to telling her.
I thought back to a conversation I had with a friend who does know I'm a Lesbian (she's not a fellow employee). I asked her if she thought I could come out to Laura. She thought I safely could, that Laura wouldn't be judgmental.
Here are the advantages to telling her. I could see us becoming good friends; we have a lot in common. And just as important, I don't want Laura to think I'm an asshole. She's an extremely good person and super smart. She buys coffee for her drycleaner when she goes to pickup her clothes. She's very positive & upbeat, even in the face of difficult situations. She is that rare case of a person who went to top notch colleges and actually has intelligence & depth. I don't mean to generalize, but I've known people who went to Ivy League schools but only talk about superficial nonsense like what they read in People Magazine or how much other people make (boring).
During one of the first conversations Laura & I had, she asked me if I like "fantasy" books. That got my attention. She's not only a fan of The Hitchhiker's series and Harry Potter, she read "Watership Down" as a kid too! (I admitted it was one of the few books I read as a child.)
Besides the fact that both of us enjoy deep conversations, we have some odd similarities. We're both lefties who write with our right hands. And I thought I was the only one!
Laura moved back to NYC recently so she's looking to establish herself & make new friends. I know she'd like to do more stuff with me outside the office. But a lot of times I'm vague about what I'm doing socially because she doesn't know I'm gay. I probably seem hot and then cold.
Now the big negative to telling her. I'm not out at work, or anyone in my field. She's a direct pipeline to our boss. They occasionally see each other outside the office. How do I know it won't be blurted out by accident?
A gay friend of mine advised me not to tell. This friend is out 100% even at work. But she feels there aren't enough reasons for me to come out.
So here I am, not sure what to do. I laugh. I was having dinner Saturday with my straight friend feeling uncomfortable. Then Sunday evening I was in a gay bar, hiding a financial publication I was reading on the subway ride there. God help me if certain Lesbians saw me reading something as "establishment" and capitalistic as "Barron's".
I guess I don't fully feel like I'm a member of either "team". Going 100% back in the closet has its appeal. It's safe and I don't have to worry about this nonsense. But then I remind myself that I'm an oddity in other ways. I'm not really right handed or left handed. Neither is Laura. Hmmm... Can I trust another "Righty-Lefty"?
I look at her while taking a bite out of my filet of sole.
"Well, we've known each other - I mean I feel I can ask you that." She doesn't want to seem intrusive.
"I've been going on dates lately. But I'm not dating anyone, per se". Okay I gave a Bill Clinton answer. I didn't lie, but I didn't tell the whole truth either. I'm gay. Laura is not just a friend. She's also a co-worker who outranks me. So I haven't told her.
I have no one but myself to blame for this. I NEVER should have admitted to going on a couple of dates with a guy she recently went out with. But I couldn't help it. A few of weeks ago Laura was telling me what she doesn't like about this guy. I couldn't help laughing. She knew that I knew him. He used to work at our company. I had to explain why I was laughing. I completely related to her criticisms.
Back to our dinner. I felt that I dodged the bullet. She went on to tell me about a business dinner during which she got invited to a party in Boston.
"Do you have a height range for guys you'll date?" Laura asked.
Oh, I guess I'm not off the hot seat yet. "Nah, no height range for guys."
I could feel blood rushing to my checks. Thank God the restaurant was dark so she couldn't see me blushing like an idiot. I was so close to telling her.
I thought back to a conversation I had with a friend who does know I'm a Lesbian (she's not a fellow employee). I asked her if she thought I could come out to Laura. She thought I safely could, that Laura wouldn't be judgmental.
Here are the advantages to telling her. I could see us becoming good friends; we have a lot in common. And just as important, I don't want Laura to think I'm an asshole. She's an extremely good person and super smart. She buys coffee for her drycleaner when she goes to pickup her clothes. She's very positive & upbeat, even in the face of difficult situations. She is that rare case of a person who went to top notch colleges and actually has intelligence & depth. I don't mean to generalize, but I've known people who went to Ivy League schools but only talk about superficial nonsense like what they read in People Magazine or how much other people make (boring).
During one of the first conversations Laura & I had, she asked me if I like "fantasy" books. That got my attention. She's not only a fan of The Hitchhiker's series and Harry Potter, she read "Watership Down" as a kid too! (I admitted it was one of the few books I read as a child.)
Besides the fact that both of us enjoy deep conversations, we have some odd similarities. We're both lefties who write with our right hands. And I thought I was the only one!
Laura moved back to NYC recently so she's looking to establish herself & make new friends. I know she'd like to do more stuff with me outside the office. But a lot of times I'm vague about what I'm doing socially because she doesn't know I'm gay. I probably seem hot and then cold.
Now the big negative to telling her. I'm not out at work, or anyone in my field. She's a direct pipeline to our boss. They occasionally see each other outside the office. How do I know it won't be blurted out by accident?
A gay friend of mine advised me not to tell. This friend is out 100% even at work. But she feels there aren't enough reasons for me to come out.
So here I am, not sure what to do. I laugh. I was having dinner Saturday with my straight friend feeling uncomfortable. Then Sunday evening I was in a gay bar, hiding a financial publication I was reading on the subway ride there. God help me if certain Lesbians saw me reading something as "establishment" and capitalistic as "Barron's".
I guess I don't fully feel like I'm a member of either "team". Going 100% back in the closet has its appeal. It's safe and I don't have to worry about this nonsense. But then I remind myself that I'm an oddity in other ways. I'm not really right handed or left handed. Neither is Laura. Hmmm... Can I trust another "Righty-Lefty"?
posted by Tara-raboomdeay | 6:08 PM
9 Comments:
First off, Watershipp Down rules.
Secondly, go ahead and tell her. I'm not gay so I can not pretend to go know all of the hardships that you might have faced in your life. But I can say from a workplace standpoint, I really do not know anyone that really cares about that kind of stuff anymore. Now, I could be just a very lucky person working in a section of corporate America which is very PC, but there have been both male and female homosexuals in my workplace and as long as they did their job and were professional they were very successful and a positve energy in the office.
That's my 2 cents...for what it's worth.
Thanks figequalsgood!
I work in finance which tends to be conservative. The people I work with are great. But my biggest fear is what I'll face at other firms if it becomes public knowledge.
However, your advice sounds solid & that's the way I'm leaning. Besides, how could I not trust anyone who likes "Watership Down"?
On that topic, I got to work with an office on The Isle of Mann. Needless to say, Richard Adams is a big name over there. Are you familiar with anything else he wrote?
Thanks again for your comment!
Righty-lefty--sounds too political to me. :)
I truly believe since you and Laura are on a 'friendly' basis, going out to dinner and knowing each other as 'friends' as well as co-workers, I feel it wouldn't be a big deal to her. On the other hand, you have to be careful of who you come out to, if your main concern is outing yourself at work.
It's what "you" feel comfortable with. I wouldn't *lie* and tell stories about your new boyfriend, "Pat"--(who happens to be a girl) ...don't ask don't tell---but you were asked, so, either tell her, "No, I'm not dating anyone right now." And if she asks you point blank, "Are you gay?" Then, maybe yes, ONLY if you feel that you would be comfortable making that decision.
That's my two cents!
With everyone's 2 cents, I'm getting a wealth of good advice!
I understand what you're saying, Deb. I don't want to deceive someone I consider a friend. But once I tell Laura, I can't take it back; it's out there forever. I have to live the consequences, if any.
I'm wrestling with the fact that I want to be open with my friend, but I tend to concentrate on the negative aspects of situations like these. Hmmm...
Thanks for your advice.
Well...'as for myself', the question is, do you really care what others think about you? Do you think that they actually would like you less, if they knew you were gay? And--if they are real friends, they'll stay as your friend. You really find out who your true friends are, once you come out.
Tara, you have to make that decision for yourself. It's not easy. It's what "you're" comfortable with.
A good friend of mine just came out recently. She is 38 yrs old, and has been seeing someone for over a year now. Maybe you want to 'come out', when you meet that special someone. A lot of people feel better doing in that way.
I really think, with your personality, no one would ever think badly of you Tara---especially in NYC, they're pretty open-minded.
Even though you're gay, I still love ya! (hehe) ;)
Thanks Deb for your kind words & support. :)
My reluctance to tell anyone I'm associated with professionally is economic. People rely on me.
It's true that a lot of New Yorkers are open-minded. But to to a great degree, it's a myth. There are those in powerful positions who are anything but. That's the "land mine" I have to tippy-toe over.
I'm sure you'll remain estimable in your co-worker's perspective; even if you do come out. "In my opinion", I really think that it has no impact whether you are straight or gay. I know I would hold the same respect for a co-worker if I found out he/she was gay or straight- makes no difference.
Do you feel that the gay community aren't venerated enough?
I was outed at my place of work four years ago, and it never affected my numbers/sales or the respect of my co-workers.
Hmm, Tara, I never suspected you would view our community in such a close-minded outlook. You are only coming out to your friend, however, if it does leak out to others, aren't you confident enough to withstand the 'small talk' around the water cooler?
You'll be fine. Do what you need to, but remember, gays are respected just as straight people are. ;)
coming out is a personal decision. I wish you luck in whatever you decide
Thank you Irene!
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